I’d like to start by apologizing for the 5-month gap between blogs. Yes, I’ve had a lot going on personally, but the heart of the matter is that, try as I might, I really haven’t found a person or a topic within the spectrum of American politics that has made me want to start writing another one. The only topic that moves me to be a blogger… is Mitt Romney.
My first two blogs were basically about how weird I find Mitt Romney and his five sons. I believe with every fiber of my being that they are weird, weird, weird people. I believe it so passionately that there was never any other starting place for me in terms of political blogging. I believe I demonstrated that my feelings on this matter are not capricious and that the distress the Romney males are causing me has been occurring for the last 5 years. I believe the emotional toll they have exacted upon me by their very existence energized me and motivated me like no other topic. It was personal.
After writing the first two installments, deciding what to write about next was not as clear. There was interest expressed by some to get my opinions of Ron Paul. My opinion is this: I saw him at the Salt Lake City airport in 2010. He’s much taller in real life than you might think.
And that’s honestly the most attention I’ve paid to Ron Paul since he’s arrived on the scene. You see I like it when the Fed buys treasuries. I like it when the FDA and the FAA keep me, and my food, safe. I’m not interested in pouring hot liquid gold over Ben Bernanke and fixing the world economy to his golden corpse.
I tried to write about Rick Santorum. But it all too quickly became the prosaic equivalent of me doubled over in side-splitting convulsions, pointing and cackling “Ri….Rick….Rick Santor….oh ho ho ho hee hee hee….Rick San….oh hee hee hee hee hee…..I’m sorry….I have….Zima coming out my nose!…hold on….Rick….Ri…..oh hee hee heee heee hee.”
I thought I was close to having some sort of take on guns, gun violence, the amount of carnage ordinary people can create with perfectly legal firearms, and the lack of any effective campaign to rein it all in. I noted that for every actual shooting that takes place, there are probably ten examples of people talking about or fantasizing about shooting people. And thusly my point was that we are a nation packed with people who fantasize about shooting people and occasionally we actually do shoot people.
And then I deleted it, both because it depressed me, and also because I was just as guilty with regards to not offering a real solution. I felt like deleting myself.
But I didn’t! Instead… I rebooted! And because I rebooted, I got to see my Facebook newsfeed… the day after Mitt Romney said some stuff about the tragic embassy incidents in North Africa.
I got to see a whole bunch of people linking to articles about what a shameless political opportunist Mitt Romney is and how utterly bizarre he is, completely devoid of shame. I got to see a whole litany of “Okay, at first I thought he was just an empty suit… now I’m seriously offended and pissed!” Or, “Keep it classy, Mitt.” I estimate at least 30 of my friends were linking to Mitt Romney articles today. Every one of them completely dumbfounded and stupefied that this guy has been nominated to be President of the United States.
And so, all I really am capable of writing about right now is that I get to gloat. I was on top of this five years ago. Go ahead, link to my previous two blogs on this website. Link to my YouTube montages again. I saw this coming. I’ve been here since 2008.
I am this year’s political Nostradamus. I am the Mayan calendar. I am the investor who bought Apple stock at 10 dollars a share. All y’all can’t believe what you’re seeing today? Well, look over there at the cashier window… that’s me cashing in my “I told you so” chips today and then offering my winnings to you for one night to sleep with your wife, Demi Moore. That’s right… come here, now… that’s a good Demi Moore… let go of Woody Harrelson’s hand while I take you up to my penthouse suite and try to fuckya.
I would love to be able to write about something else in the political arena as passionately as I do about Mitt Romney and his sons and how utterly weird all of it is. But I am realizing that there is nothing else. I wanted to be an all-purpose political pundit capable of weighing in on any subject. But I’m not.
I’m just the guy who saw this entire thing coming before anyone else. And I know who I am now. I’m the guy who only blogs about Mitt Romney!!!!!!
Stay tuned for my forthcoming blog about Mitt Romney!!!!
Dick Valentine is the lead singer in Electric Six and Evil Cowards. Both bands have records coming out in October. Electric Six is releasing its first live album entitled “Absolute Pleasure” on Oct. 9 on Metropolis Records. Evil Cowards is releasing its second studio album entitled “Moving Through Security” as a self-release, available on iTunes and Amazon for digital purchase in October and available as a physical release at all Electric Six live shows.