So I’m browsing around on a certain online music storefront that is going to get a new asshole on here one of these days, and this photo slides into view:
You know how sometimes you can take one look at a band of douchebags and know beyond a shadow of any doubt that their music blows? Well, not like I needed any additional written confirmation in this case, but I sure as shit got it. The caption read:
Hinder wipe the tears from their eyes and turn it up to 11 on new single “Use Me,” a racy, raucous rocker that doesn’t hold back.
Jesus motherfucking Mary and Joseph. When these guys hit the scene, they were hailed by industry insiders as “the next Mötley Crüe.” Which is fucking ridiculous because Mötley Crüe can’t even manage to be “the next Mötley Crüe” these days. But anyway, how the fuck am I supposed to buy into these dipshits’ edgy bad boys of rock and roll image when their own promotional material is admitting that a second ago they were crying over some ugly rock sluts that broke their hearts like a bunch of emo pussies, while some band with bigger balls were drunk-fucking said sluts from behind and forgetting their names?
And the best thing you can say about a track besides a painfully obvious played-out Spinal Tap reference is it “doesn’t hold back?” Could you be any more cliché? Furthermore, alliteration in marketing copy is sooo fucking 1950. Racy raucous rockers! Don’t wait, get yours now!! Sunday sunday sunday!!! It’s bullshit like this that makes it no fucking wonder that no one is buying into brainless record label hype anymore, besides the dumbest of hillbillies tucked away listening to top 40 FM radio in cultural sarlacc pits like Florida.
These bands are a dime a dozen. They’ve got nothing to say, and they’re not bringing anything new to the table. They’re uninspired, and uninspiring. Oh sure, they put the effort in. Yeah, they work hard for our attention. And I know they all do, because I read it in all the bios they send out when they’re trying to get signed. They read like resumés. More than anything else, they speak about the band’s willingness to sell out and play the game, in the hopes that some major record label will see them as a safe investment and hand them a record deal, to make it easy for them to focus on what they really want to do: get wasted and cheat on their girlfriends for a living. There’s nothing convincing me they’re real artists, they’re just asking to be pointed towards whatever dicks they have to suck to “make it.”
And once they’re there, they’re too chickenshit to get off their knees.
We’ll pass, thanks.